200512060245心情札記 9

The weather is getting colder and colder and my heart is filled with a certain amount of chill as well. When Director Chen told me that I should devote more effort to persuading the third-graders to enroll in the next-semester course, I just felt a little bit tired. Advertising and lobbying have always been an integral part of my job, I know well, yet that is the field I'm least good at. Sometimes it often makes me wonder if I've chosen the wrong line of job -- perhaps I'm not fit for this occupation? I've always talked myself into believing that working industriously will always bring good results. However, this is apparently less true of my case. Well, I know I may not be as talented as many other teachers, so I decide to make up for it with industry. Ever since I took on this job, I've never grumbled about my workload, which causes me to stay up almost each night, and pressure, which causes me to think of committing suicide once in a while. Just like the defeated DPP in this election, I need quite a little time to reflect on myself. I am convinced that there must have been something wrong, and I'm obliged to find it out. A party may step down after losing a certain election; likewise, a cram school teacher may fade out after failing in a certain semester. Quite unlike the teachers working on campus, the destiny of a cram school teacher is at stake at any moment. It can nearly be said that we pass our lives in constant fear each semester. I've been a bit tired of all this, as a matter of fact. I would rather I were sick and tired of writing handouts and collecting information, but I'm actually tired of all this advertising, persuading stuff. After establishing this website, I've felt quite happy to listen to many students' voices, especially those who fear speaking to me face to face. Also, I'm glad to post useful knowledge online -- partly to prove that a blog may not necessarily be about trifles and self-talking. It can also be informative and worthy of being visited daily. The voices from those students always spur me on and make my day. I really hate the thought of changing to another line of work.

It's interesting to examine what one has done in an indifferent manner. It may be more than venting emotions on words, which is not any better than the verbal abuse in election campaigns. Looking back on what I've believed in, I'm still in passionate love with my job. I like talking to students and I like spreading knowledge -- that won't change eternally. I really hope that everything will get better, but of course, hope is always accompanied by more efforts.
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