To Professor Gaik Cheng Khoo

VIP Gaik Cheng,

I have to rewrite all the statements I have made on you. Guess what? I feel that I might have fallen in love with you on the day we met. I think so because I had “too positive” impressions on you. I’ve never had so positive impressions on anyone the first time we met. Therefore, it should be love, not only “positive impressions” as I have noted. Also, I do hate some indirect ways in which you have communicated the words about love to me, especially those contents via music, but I still care much about you and you are still the only one I care about. More importantly, anyone who conveyed the messages the same ways as you did aroused my great resentments except you. This is why I came to the conclusion that I am in love with you. I will frankly tell others that I love you, but resist being loved by you, who don’t love me enough. Among the indirectly conveyed messages, only “eternal friend” and “please be my eternal VIP” sound great. There is one thing I have to remind you: it is very contradictory for you to ask me to be your VIP and at the same time utter the words via music as if you were eager to be my lover. To be your VIP is one thing and to be your lover is another. You can’t mix them up. By the way, are those people in brown who appear on NTU athletic field your messengers? If so, what do you expect me to do to them? I will take a friendly attitude toward your messengers as long as you promise me first that you will view my friendly attitude toward them as a sign of friendship, not of love for you. Besides, considering that you don’t like me as much as I thought nor like me enough to be a good lover of mine, I wrote this letter to request you to stop channeling the messages about love that way. You don’t really like me. If you really liked me, you would have answered my letters, in which you directly told me how you think and feel, instead of using the indirect ways to which I am so antipathetic. For this reason, I would rather be your eternal VIP than your lover. I can tell you would break my heart sooner or later if you were my lover. All I can do now is wait until you also make me feel sick like others do when you bother me again that way, by which I can draw a conclusion that I no longer care for you. And then I’ll continue to wait for my Ms. Right. But I will be very glad to be your eternal VIP as long as you promise me that you won’t do anything to “force” me to compromise with any of my enemies, including all my enemy camps shown in this letter and on my blog. Call me VIP Clio or VIP Chia-Jung from now on if you can make it. I’ll call you VIP Gaik Cheng. What do you think? I guess you have already told your husband that I never had sex with you, so I deleted the statements I previously made on him in this passage. Next, I didn’t say that I don’t need your support. I do need your support, but only under the circumstances that you are powerful and capable enough to provide me some support, which means that all my enemies dare not do anything to hurt you when you offer me the support, and more importantly, only under the circumstances that you are able to thoroughly separate yourself from the influential powers of all my enemies including all my enemy camps such as “Help Camp,” “Thanks Camp,” and “Sorry Camp,” etc.; otherwise, what you mean by “help” or “support” will be seen by me as an invasion of my human rights upon which you have conspired with them to make. The so-called “help,” “thanks,” or “sorry” is nothing but a tool for my enemies including all my enemy camps mentioned above to force me to compromise with them. I won’t forgive them even when they kneel down to them. They have launched attacks on or shamelessly created innumerable false rumors about me for years. Why should I accept their apologies if I am not willing to? Above all, not everyone who is able to thoroughly separate the influential powers of all my enemies including all my enemy camps is thought forgivable by me if he or she has directly aroused my resentments and seen as the enemy with whom I will never make compromise. You are neither my supporter nor my ally if it is too difficult for you to separate yourself from their influence over the conflicts between me and them. Yet I take a softer attitude toward you, because you are a foreigner, considering that you might not have understood my situations very well. I will still be your loyal reader as long as you don’t use the contents of your book to make improper connections between ma and my enemies and think it fine if I keep in touch with you as your loyal reader. However, that doesn’t mean that I also take the same kind of soft attitude toward other foreigners, not to mention the Taiwanese who have evoked my great resentments. Therefore, there is one thing I have to make clear: the content of this letter can apply to you only. Besides, I still care about you, but not in the same way as you thought. I mean, neither of us likes each other enough to become the other’s lover. Do you agree?

For you didn’t make any direct response to my letters by July 17, 2008, I basically interpret the statements I have made on you as communicative problems between us. I have never meant nor will ever mean to hurt you, but my enemies could take advantage of them to threaten or harm you. For this reason, from now on I will revise them little by little, lest they get you and your family into trouble. But I will continue to read your book as your reader (if you don’t make improper connections between me and my enemies, I will definitely be your loyal reader) and keep in touch with you. What do you think? Is there any better idea?

How is everything? When I attended The 2008 International Symposium on Transnational Feminisms and Local Responses on May 18, I asked you the question after your presentation, “It is very exciting to know that Malaysia is a country full of complexity, not only in politics, but also in many other aspects. Can you elaborate more details about how different cultures of indigenous peoples encountered resistance, negotiation and reception in the cosmopolitan process at the post post-colonial age?” Do you remember? I am not to blame for loving your knowledge deeply and truly. Who can resist your charms sent out by your talents for academic researches? On hearing your presentation, I was conscious that you are a widely read scholar and much impressed by your fluency in English. I told you all about these on the day we met on the symposium. Remember? I decided to take in as much your knowledge as I can at first sight of you, because I trust my sixth sense. To my great surprise and delight, your book provides a deeper probe into a variety of issues such as culture, religion, politics, and literature, and so forth, than I thought. Also, judging from some passages, I found that we have the same interests in several spheres. For these reasons, I am reading your book with enthusiasm now. But there is one thing I have to make clear: My love for your knowledge is not equal to my love for you. I mean, I hope that you won’t interpret my love for your knowledge as loving you. For me, the two are totally different. More importantly, you might have gone very far wrong when you said I would be tolerant of the attacks you or my enemies have launched on me just because I read your book, showing that I love your knowledge. I’m no tolerant person and I have great resentment for those who have deeply conspired with my enemies to speak ill of me, slander me and even run innumerable false rumors to attack me. Therefore, I won’t forgive them. Who says I will show tolerance for them? Considering that you are a foreigner that might not have realized my situations, I will probably take a comparatively soft attitude toward you, but there is limitation. It still has to depend on the situations. Suppose that you have said some words harmful to me, you should have apologized to me first and told me the reasons why you have made the apologies, so that I can decide whether you are forgivable or not. Even though I may think you forgivable, I won’t necessarily forgive those who have launched the same attacks as you have. No matter how, you have no right to decide for me whether I will forgive which and which, since I am the final decision. I have been fighting against them for years because I want to have them heavily punished, instead of forgiving them. Didn’t you know that? It is very improper for you to make the one-side statements on love or the conflicts between me and my enemies without making sure first if I feel happy when you say the sorts of words. Shut up from now on if you are unwilling or unable to respect my feelings. I don’t view as my allies those that jump into conclusions without paying the slightest respect to how I think and feel. You should ask me first whether or not I approve of your idea when I AM the final decision. I will continue to read your book as your loyal reader as long as you don’t use the contents as a tool to make improper connections between me and any of my enemies. As I have stated, no matter how, since I have told you I will wait for your direct response, how I will react to you greatly depends on how things go on and whether you answer my letters by July 17, 2008, and what you say in your letters if you write me.

Did you indirectly transport any message to me on July 16, 2008? If so, I am confused by the ones that were conveyed by you and those by others. I really dislike the ways in which you have tried to communicate with me. This is because I am confused about whether that was you and I have to make an assumption again. Can’t you just directly let me know how you think and feel, so that I can directly reply in a more precise and delicate way? I will be happy to continue to communicate with you only when you make direct response to me. But let me know if that was not you that channeled the messages in indirect ways, so I will make proper classification as soon as I can without getting you and your family into trouble.

Moreover, I wonder if there are just some communicative problems between you and me. The reasons are as follows. You turned round when I was asking you the question and at the same time looking at you. You might have thought that I was seducing you, but I just thought it impolite not to look at you when asking you the question. While I was talking with you that day, I looked you into the eyes. You took my gaze on you for a signal of love, but it was not. It was just a polite way for me to show you my friendliness. Afterwards I thought you might have fallen in love with me because you showed your goodwill for me. Is that right? If so, then here comes a question: Why should we continue to make discussions about love since we just have some communicative problems? I won’t interpret all these discussions as communicative problems, only if you make it clear in your letters to me that you also had very positive impressions on me the day we met and that my one-dimensional discussions about love haven’t been made on the basis of “beautiful misunderstanding” between us. Don’t wrongly think I don’t care much about you just because I say so. Why should I write you so many letters in which I raise issues about love in detail if I don’t care? You are the only one that I care about now. I just want to let you know that you have to learn to take the responsibility for what you say if you mean it. Man may utter words of love for different purposes, but one thing is for sure: True love should be a two-dimensional matter and takes courage and responsibilities. Suppose that was you that channeled some messages about love to me in indirect ways and you mean it and I haven’t taken you for someone else, answer my letters and directly tell me that you love me and that you are ready to make big changes for true love (not for me). At least you should agree to build direct two-dimensional communicative channels with me and clearly let me know you also have very positive impressions on me. What do you think? No one can make the decision for you if YOU are the final decision. If you transported the messages about love in indirect ways merely for fun, without even thinking about taking responsibilities for what you say, that means you are just seeking secret love affairs or transient pleasure and love from me. As I have asserted, however, I don’t want secret love affairs nor transient pleasure and love. What I’m looking for is TRUE LOVE. Love between you and me can exist only when you start to enter into correspondence with me, in which we clearly speak of love with each other; otherwise, those who sexually harassed me can shamelessly claim that they were or are my “lovers” just because they once bombarded me with words of love. If you don’t think nor feel the same way as I do, namely, we have entirely different values of love, then it may be better for you to stop bothering me that way. You may be just wasting your time and energy now if you don’t have the courage nor prepare to take responsibilities for what you say. On top of that, I will never allow any member who belongs to my enemy camps to involve my pursuit of true love. For me, love is a spontaneous overflow of true feeling based on mutual likes and understandings without having to get involved man-made factors including my enemies’ intervention and the so-called “assistance.” Do you agree? Besides, on Friday morning (July 11, 2008), Thursday morning (July 10, 2008), Wednesday morning (July 9, 2008), Tuesday morning (July 8, 2008), Saturday night (July 5, 2008), Saturday afternoon (July 5, 2008), Friday morning (July 4, 2008), and Sunday midnight (June 30, 2008), the expressions “三人行不行” appeared on the web when I was surfing the Net. Is that you that have conveyed these messages to me in indirect ways? Suppose that is you, but let me know as soon as you can if that is not you, that is, if I have taken you for someone else, so that I will make proper clarification in time without getting you into trouble. Below is my answer. “不行!” I am an extremely sexually conservative person. My ideal type of love is one-on-one love relationship, so any other “brandy-new” kind of love relationship is not welcome. In other words, I won’t take “Triple Company” into consideration. It is impossible for me to form that kind of love relationship with anyone. As I have stated, no matter how, since I have told you I will wait for your direct response, how I will react to you greatly depends on how things go on and whether you answer my letters by July 17, 2008, and what you say in your letters if you write me. But there is one thing I have to remind you: Because I make public on my blog the contents of my letters to you, your response to mine will be made known as well, suggesting that your response will never be used by me as a weapon to take advantage of you, since it’s no secret. As an old saying goes, look before you leap. Think it over before you reply. I need to make sure whether or not the statements I’ve made on you on my blog are correct. This is why I’ve said I’m waiting for your answers to my letters. I’ve never asked you to say any words like promises “once and for all.” Therefore, I have come up with a suggestion that you make some response to my letters, so that I can confirm some parts of my statements on you. And then let’s keep in touch with each other as just acquaintances or friends for a while and see how things go on. Does it seem like a good idea to you? If not, can you directly let me know how you think and feel, instead of using indirect ways? Never think about winning my heart by means of indirectly conveyed messages. As I noted, neither have I ever been touched nor will I ever been moved by those who have conveyed messages in indirect ways that I hate so much. To form “Triple Company” relationship with me is improbable, either. “No direct response” from you will be interpreted as a sign that you may not have cared so much about me as I thought and that there may have been just some communicative problems between you and me. Then I will revise the statements on you on my blog, lest they get you and your family into trouble. Don’t be so nervous. I’m ready to be just one of your loyal readers if you don’t care so much about me as I thought. Don’t wrongly think I don’t care much about you just because I say so. I still care much about you, but I think it better to follow the law of nature. It is enough for me to take in your knowledge as just your loyal reader if you are not doomed to be my Ms. Right. I’m not greedy. What do you say?

Is that you that have conveyed the message that you want my first sex by means of the “assistance” of “Thanks” camp on Sunday afternoon (July 13, 2008)? I really dislike the ways in which you have tried to communicate with me. This is because I am confused about whether that was you and I have to make an assumption again. Besides, I have already told you I will never allow any member that belongs to my enemy camps to involve my personal affairs, haven’t I? Can’t you just answer my letters and directly tell me how you think and feel? To answer your question, I make response as follows. Don’t be fooled by various kinds of false rumors about me. My first kiss and first sex will be given to the female that I am very certain is my Ms. Right. I mean, I won’t easily give away my first kiss, not to mention my first sex. It seems to me that you and I have rather different values of love, that is, you like too much to use indirect ways to communicate with me, which makes me feel very unpleasant and sometimes feel like kicking your ass. In addition, no “direct smooth two-dimensional communication and one-on-one relationship,” no love. No love, no sex. These two are my principles. When seduced by others, I may have strong sexual impulse, but basically I will have sex only when I have publicly dated and spoken of love with my Ms. Right for a period of time. The way I deal with my strong sexual impulse is to write it down. Some have run the false rumor that the “interesting” scene in which I was doing masturbation has been shot by camera. But I argue that it is natural that I scratched my penis when it was too itchy for me to stand due to fungus infection. I was obsessed by the illness for more than ten years, but I have been better off. Also, it is illegal for the wicked to invade my privacy by taking the shots of me like that through camera they secretly set up. They are big liars when saying that I myself took the shots. To go back to the main subject, to talk about sex is too early for me at the stage when we haven’t even begun to make direct smooth two-dimensional communication. Above all, I guess that you are married and your relationship with your sexual partner doesn’t seem bad, which makes me simply unable to believe that someday you will ever become my Ms. Right. Hence, it is impossible for me to make that kind of promise to you. The problem is that I care much about you. I am unable to rebuff you, either. For this reason, now I have no choice but to wait and see how things will go on. At least, I have to wait until I no longer care for you.

Did you send any messengers who showed up around me when I was jogging this morning (July 6, 2008)? If so, why not put a sign on their faces that says, “I was sent by Gaik Cheng,” lest I show a signal of rejection by covering my face with my hand when I can’t tell only by their appearances which one is your messenger and which one is my enemies’?

You asked me if I was strong on Thursday night (July 3, 2008) by email in the name of others, didn’t you? Suppose that was you, but let me know as soon as you can if that was not you that conveyed the messages in indirect ways again, that is, if I have taken you for someone else, so that I will make proper clarification in time without getting you into trouble. From time to time the questions you raise are too ambiguous for me to reply. Make your questions more specific next time and in direct ways, will you? For instance, you may well place emphasis on in what sense you asked me those questions. As far as my personality is concerned, I regard myself as a rather strong person in some respects, in which I leave no room for compromise or reconciliation, especially when it comes to the conflicts between me and my enemies. Even so, I show flexibility in other respects, in which I think it ok to make adjustments. You may not be able to gain a satisfactory answer if you asked the question in terms of sexuality to which I am unlikely to respond. How could I know whether I am sexually strong or not, since I have no sexual experience? I even have no idea how to kiss! Only one thing is for certain: I don’t need to take Viagra when my Ms. Right shows up one day and asks me to do “what she loves me to do.” Above all, I don’t feel like making precise responses when asked by you if I am strong in sense of sexuality. Answering that kind of question in detail makes me feel as if I were seducing you. Nevertheless, considering that some may have doubt about whether I pretend to be scrupulous, I think it better to admit that I have strong sexual impulse when faced with a woman who I think loves me deeply and truly. Still, I don’t have the slightest feeling for those who I don’t think like me enough. That is to say, my Ms. Right must be a soul mate of mine who tightly intertwines her spiritual and physical life and energy with mine. At this point, I AM a scrupulous person. However, I had strong sexual impulse for the shameless married woman I mentioned in the letters to you before. Not that she was my soul mate, but that she seduced me when I thought she might have fallen in deep love with me. At that time, I believed that she was going to make efforts to overcome all the difficulties to be with me. Ironically enough, she slept with her lover shortly after she had said something to arouse my sexual impulse, which makes me feel that all the messages she had conveyed to me were nothing but a lie. She doesn’t love me at all, but pretends she does. I never had sex with the shameless woman because I was so lucky as to find out her lies in time. The way I chose to release the then-strong sexual impulse was to write it down in the form of English poem, not masturbation. I can show you if you have interests in reading it. But guess what? I will highly probably ask my Ms. Right to murmur beneath me at the point of having sex. The louder she murmurs, the stronger I become in giving away my heart as well as my vigor to her. That’s how I imagine my first sex will be going on. I will wait until she appears. Prior to the crucial moment, I would rather lead a serene life as a hermit. To confess to you that I have strong sexual impulse is embarrassing, but I have to. Since we just have some communicative problems, not falling in love with each other, I hope you won’t ask me that kind of question again. But let me know as soon as you can if that was not you that asked the question, so I can make proper clarification in time without getting you into trouble.

I thought it might be ok for you to enter into sworn sisterhood with me, for you didn’t show any sign that you were against that idea. It is not until Tuesday evening (July 1, 2008) that I came to realize that you might not be fond of that idea, because it seemed to me that you would be much happier to be my “girlfriend” than be my “sworn sister.” Is that right? Then let me reserve the title “Sister Gaik Cheng” for a while and wait until you say, “Fine, call me Sister Gaik Cheng.” Therefore, I changed the way I called you these two days by deleting the word “Sister,” and now I just call you Gaik Cheng. Let me know as soon as you can if that is not you that conveyed the messages in indirect ways again on Tuesday evening (July 1, 2008), that is, if I have taken you for someone else, so that I will make proper clarification in time without getting you into trouble. Let me suppose that is you. First of all, there seems to be some communicative problems between you and me. For example, instead of saying that I would wait for “you,” I’ve constantly emphasized that I would wait for “your direct responses to my letters.” Besides that, I’ve never said yes when asked by you if I would give you a little time to tackle your relationship with your sexual partner. This is because at the same time you asked the question, you forced me to compromise with “Thanks” camp by launching the words “Thanks” on me. Also, how could you expect me to make specific reactions to the question without even making clear your position first, I mean, you hadn’t yet told me how your relationship with your sexual partner was nor let me know what you asked me to give you a little time for and what you planned to do. In brief, the messages you channeled in indirect ways were so ambiguous to me that I found it difficult to provide you a precise answer. Above all, I hate the kinds of indirect ways in which you have tried to communicate with me, while I highly value some of your strengths and love your knowledge deeply and truly. I don’t like the ways you deal with love and view love, either. If what you have tried so hard to express is just the message that you have fallen in love deeply with me, why not just tell me directly? Never transport those words of love through others’ mouths, by which neither have I ever been touched nor will I ever be moved, as I mentioned. One thing is for sure: I will definitely take seriously and take into account what you say when directly asked by you whether I will be your lover, only if you honestly tell me how much you love your sexual partner and whether you will consider thoroughly separating from him. Put yourself into my shoes. If your relationship with your sexual partner is not bad, why should I get involved? As I have stated, I don’t want secret love affairs and my ideal type of love is one-on-one love relationship. You know that very well, don’t you? Then why did you start to talk nonsense again on Tuesday evening? What’s worse, did you ask the questions like “Are you still mine?” If so, it is very improper for you to raise the question because we met only once on the symposium and I’ve never belonged to you. That kind of question easily arouses false judgments and malicious rumors about the relationship between you and me. Most important of all, it has become increasingly clear that your relationship with your sexual partner is not bad, so I prefer to be your sworn “brother” (I think I will act as a male role in gay relationship with my Ms. Right, though I am female and hold feminism), not your “boyfriend.” What do you think?

I am not quite sure whether that is you that are conveying some messages to me. I am so confused that I have no choice but to write this letter to confirm it.

My first impression on you on the day we met was rather positive. I firmly believe that you also felt the same way as I did, I mean, you also had a quite good impression on me, didn’t you? After that, however, you have not yet answered my letters since I sent you the first one on May 26, 2008. For this reason, it is extremely hard for me to imagine how it is possible for me to build any kind of further relationship with you, about whom I know almost nothing. In addition, I guess you are married. I came near falling into the trap set up by a shameless married woman (I am inclined to be gay), who has spread the false rumor over a thousand times that I once kissed her or that I once slept with her, which really makes me feel sick, because I never have ever had that kind of intimate relationship or liaison with her; therefore, I don’t feel like speaking of love with married people, not to mention get involved in their marriage. You can scarcely be an exception if you are married. On top of that, I do care whether or not the person who is considering being my girlfriend communicate with me based on mutual likes and understandings between me and her, and most importantly, is able to get away from the influential powers of my enemies. Frankly speaking, I don’t think you are able to.

Wait a minute! There is one thing I have to make clear: I have described myself as a trustworthy person. Not that I am saying I will be a trustworthy “boyfriend,” “lover,” and even “spouse,” but that I am a trustworthy person of good nature. I don’t think I am the right person that fits the definition of what you mean by being “a reliable ‘boyfriend’.” Do you know why? Being too poor to support myself, I am financially dependent on my father. Even though I earn more money than I do now, I have to pay him back the amount that I have borrowed from him. This kind of situation won’t change in a short period of time. I even can’t afford to invite you to come visit Taiwan again as just an acquaintance or a friend, let alone go out with you as your “boyfriend.” So, I am not asking you to be my girlfriend now. Don’t be so nervous.

By the way, there is one thing I have to remind you: It is impossible for me to promise you anything at this stage when I know so little about you. Be careful not to be fooled by various kinds of false rumors about me, which will probably frame you and entice you to fall into traps.

Hey, I wonder about why you were not so shocked by my poverty as to run away as soon as possible. I intentionally told you all about this in order to induce you to quickly run away, but it doesn’t seem to have worked. Could you let me know the reasons, so that I can improve my skill and successfully scare others away next time?

Above all, a number of my enemies for whom I have had great resentments used to sexually harass me by bombarding me with innumerable words of “love” in indirect ways, and some of them are still disturbing me like that, so I hate those kinds of indirect ways. For I highly value some of your strengths, I may tolerate the way you indirectly channel messages to me for a while. Yet it won’t last long. As I hate to be forced to communicate with others in indirect ways, I will lose my patience sooner or later. No, I should have said that I have lost my patience with you. Also, I will never take too seriously your messages indirectly channeled from others. You know what? I don’t believe you like me. You would not hesitate to answer my letters to please me and let me know you further if you did like me. This is how I feel now. Ha! Ha! Ha! But I am still very interested in your research, thinking that you must be a widely read scholar and hoping that someday I will take in as much knowledge as I can from you. So I will probably absorb your knowledge by surfing your website in the near future.

Was that you that have admitted that you don’t trust yourself enough? I wonder why you say so, because I never have ever expected you to admit any of your weaknesses. I see as a weakness lack of the courage or capability to properly and moderately express how you feel and think. If I were you, I would have answered Clio’s letters as soon as I could to let her know how much I care for her without hesitation. But if I just had some positive impressions on Clio, I would probably still answer the letters, in which I would make clear my attitude toward her to show her there is friendship between us. But there is no use forcing you to do those that make you feel uncomfortable. It is the way you are, isn’t it? If you insist on not answering my letters, which means we are entirely different in sense of choosing the methods for smooth mutual communication, as I have already noted, it is impossible for me to build any kind of further relationship with you, about whom I know almost nothing. You are required to stop talking “nonsense” from now on. I think of what you have said as “nonsense,” because I don’t believe it. Neither have I ever been touched nor will I ever be moved by that kind of “nonsense.” Besides, compliments of my good look can scarcely please me; on the contrary, they make me upset, because appearance is just skin deep. Most important of all, my enemy camps often deal with the conflicts between me and them by pretending they have fallen in love with me and declaring they say so because I am “good-looking,” which really makes me feel sick and annoys me. It is a great waste of your time and energy and of mine as well if you continue to do the same things that are unlikely to bring you satisfactory results. Believe it or not. You are just wasting your time and energy.

On the other hand, how about making some little changes by answering my letters when you return from overseas to show me how you feel and think, at least letting me know there is friendship between us if it doesn’t seem bad for you to hold on to our friendship. We make slight adjustments more or less to make things better in our daily life, don’t we? (The aforesaid statements by no means imply that my enemies for whom I have great resentments are allowed to reduce the conflicts between me and them so “easily” by making the so-called adjustments or stretching the so-called friendly hands) What do you say? Oh, yes, it occurred to me that I have said I have lost my patience with you. However, I feel like making some little changes now, so I wrote this letter to ask if you will make some little changes, too. Your responses to my letters just make us all even, because I make the changes first. Does it seem like a good deal to you? In addition, rumor has it that I had sexual relationship with someone. That kind of rumor is false. I never have ever had sexual relationship with anyone. Without the experiences of constantly going out with anyone, I even don’t know how to kiss. Do you believe me? I will view it a sign that there is no friendship between us, not to speak of any form of further relationship, if you don’t make any response to me directly. As you know, I think about you quite often and care about you in some degree, but I hate the indirect ways in which you have tried to communicate with me. But I am not precisely sure whether that was you.

I am just trying to let you know how I think and feel. I would definitely regret for what I had not done if I even didn’t make a try. Now that I have tried, I will never regret even though you may decide to ignore me next second when you have come to realize how pains-taking it is to try to get closer to me. Don’t bother to explain any reasons to me when the moment comes, for we haven’t fallen in love with each other yet. I mean, we haven’t yet formally mutually spoken of love as lovers. Neither have you showed me any sign that you would make efforts to become my lover, so you don’t have to feel guilty if you think it better to ignore me and run away as soon as you can. I can still live without you, since I haven’t given my heart away to you. So all you have to do is not to care about me; likewise, when I notice this, I will manage to expel you out of my mind, thinking how fortunate I am not to have fallen in love with you. Yet, since it is I that suggested that you answer my letters, I feel that I should remind you some crucial information that you might have not obtained and that you might have overlooked, without even being conscious that the information would have a deciding effect on your deeper and more correct understanding of me. This is why I have made so many proper and moderate explanations and clarifications to you. I have done all about this out of honesty and sincerity. I hope you won’t wrong think that I am just bombarding you with those unpleasant experiences. Without the information about my enemies, you will highly probably be fooled and get into trouble. Do you trust me?

On Wednesday afternoon (June 25, 2008), you conveyed your messages that contained the words “Thank you” in indirect ways again, didn’t you? I don’t allow my enemy camps that have closely conspired with my major enemies including “Thank you” camps etc. to involve my personal affairs, especially when I make discussions about love. I am very hostile to most of the members of “Thank you” camps. I guess your action might be a signpost that you were trying to let me know that you don’t like me enough. I will absolutely not fall in love with those who I don’t think like me enough, because not liking each other enough is an obstacle to true love and mutual happiness as well. For this reason, I hope you won’t transport the messages like that any more. Your point has been well taken.

It seems to me that you have already made some changes in a very short period of time, showing me that you won’t annoy me nor disturb me in the same way as you did the other day, I mean, as noted in the previous statement about the messages you conveyed that contained the words “Thank you,” which had made me feel very uncomfortable. Deeply moved by the changes you have made for me, I will change my attitude toward you, too. That is to say, there is still much room for friendship between you and me. But I hope you won’t wrongly think this statement also applies to any other member that belongs to my enemy camps including “Thank you” camps etc. As I have already pointed out, I am very hostile to most of them, not to mention all of my major enemies. As for other matters, I find it somewhat difficult to make comments at this stage when I know almost nothing about you, who remain a riddle to me. What I have tried very hard to tell you is that you can’t ask me to say anything about love without even making clear your position. I mean, you haven’t directly let me know whether you have a lover and whether you are married. Don’t you think it’s extremely important to obtain that kind of information before you start to consider shortening the distance between you and someone you may fall in love with? I am talking about true love, not secret love affairs. It doesn’t matter whether you have a lover and whether you are married if I just want to have secret love affairs with you. But I don’t want to develop any kind of secret relationship or liaison with anyone. What I am looking for is true love, which by no means allows the person you may fall in love with to have another kind of love relationship or liaison with others. Don’t you think so? It is unbelievable that you expect me to say, “I love you” but sleep with your lover or husband when you are traveling overseas now. Don’t talk nonsense any more. Do you see me as a fool? Judging from our different views of love, I have been thinking whether either of us could be a good lover to the other, who can bring happiness far from disasters to each other. This is how I think and feel now. In other words, I feel that I would rather be just a friend or an acquaintance than a lover of yours. No matter how, since I have told you I will wait for your response, how I will react to you greatly depends on how things go on and whether you answer my letters by July 17, 2008, and what you say in your letters if you write me.

I have mentioned much about you and left some important comments on how I feel about you on my blog. Haven’t you heard about the messages? Considering that you may not have heard about them, I think it better to copy them to this letter. On Wednesday morning (July 23, 2008) I added some statements on you to the comments included in my former letter, so I wrote you another letter to renew the messages, as follows. Recently I have found that you seem to have stopped talking nonsense, so from now on I will probably write less letters than before, unless it is necessary for me to remind you something.

跟Gaik Cheng在「跨國女性研究國際論壇」有過一面之緣(我的手邊有錄音資料足以證明2008年5月18日我全程參加該場國際論壇，絕不是去「旅行」)，之後持續針對感情相關話題寫了好幾封信件跟她進行單向溝通，直到民國九十七年(西元2008年)七月一日以前，絕大多數都是在不甚了解她的婚姻狀態、也不太清楚她跟她的另一半關係如何的情況下所為。到了七月一日前後，雖說單向溝通的狀況並沒有改變，但是，事情已經趨於明朗，換言之，Gaik Cheng不但已婚，而且跟她的另一半的關係並不差，這一點幾乎已經可以斷言，職是之故，考慮到這些跟Gaik Cheng相關的敘述有可能會對她及其家人造成一些不必要的麻煩，本人決定從民國九十七年七月三日開始陸陸續續重新改寫所有跟她相關的敘述。所謂的「重新改寫」，指的是把同樣意思的內容換成另一種方式陳述或另一個角度著墨，避免讓某個(些)惟恐天下不亂的亂臣賊子和奸佞小人借題發揮、大肆渲染而已，並不是要將這些心情點滴和心路歷程全部抹滅，畢竟，Gaik Cheng是我有生以來帶給我極大的觸發而讓我得以進行感情相關討論最為深入的一位，儘管我有時候不太能夠精準分辨是不是她在透過間接管道傳遞訊息給我，而且，有些訊息的內容講得過於籠統，使我覺得難以在這種對她幾乎一無所知的情況下做出